i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize