Ambien. No doubt about it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize