Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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