something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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