Will you blow on my dice?
im six kinds of drunk right now
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
