She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
