Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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