dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
