She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
