I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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