omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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