Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
