He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
