I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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