1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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