Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
