i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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