I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
