I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Duck Duck Cougar?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
