he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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