and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
