So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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