Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
