yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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