my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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