I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
