Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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