Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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