All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
