I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
