Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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