I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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