Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize