Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
