you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
