Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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