I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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