no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize