IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
