It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
