I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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