I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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