Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
