Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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