I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
