then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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