you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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