I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
