That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize