final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's shark week go big or go home
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
