im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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