how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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