how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
