What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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