walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize