Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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