someone threw a dead crab at me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
