My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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