I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize