we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
How does one acquire holy water?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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