What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize